My versatile kitchen table
Now you don't see it....
starting to lift the grout
Picking out the grout
Now you begin to see it.....
I love the grouting process.....its so messy! When I put the grout on and the piece is gradually becoming completely covered in grout I get excited because I never know what the mosaic will finally look like.
I love my kitchen table......in fact I love the kitchen. Its such a versatile place. My family's got used to it being taken over by the mosaic grouting process. Its a huge process...I first have to get kitted up in my 'scuffs' because I always get covered in it , no matter how big or small the piece. I seem to need loads of brews! I think there is a correlation with working and drinking copious amounts of tea!...and of course someone nearly always comes to the door or phone when I'm grouting..so the grout process is passed on to anyone who comes into contact with it, messy or what?
I don't think I get too preoccupied with imagining what a piece will look like when its grouted,all I know is it will look different than the rough working piece.The grouting process brings the artwork to life sometimes in an unpredictable way.I try to let the piece unfold, let the glass in relation to the fossils other parts of the piece interact and emerge. When I have tried to force it, or have some rigid idea that I'm trying to manifest in the work it seems never to come together easily. In fact it just doesn't work, so I've learnt to trust the creative process, even if my brain is challenging it. For instance a mate of mine was looking at some of my mosaic pieces, hes got quite a critical eye,and he commented with 'its surprising how you place colours together that just shouldn't go together and it works!'[ I think it was red and green...you might know the saying 'red and green should never be seen!].'
This reminds me of a really significant turning point for me in this kidney process.I was diagnosed with polycystic disease when I was 25 years old, and besides the odd hospital admission for infected cysts, urinary tact or kidney infections.high Blood pressure its been manageable, in the background. But I cant say its stopped me doing anything and I've learnt to live alongside it. I've always had tons of energy and been busy. My kidney function started to fall really quickly and I was transferred from ' renal clinic' to' pre-dialysis' clinic [getting my head even around the names was a process in itself]. I guess I arrived at this clinic abit late, in that I think the renal people like you there at around a kidney function 15 so that the team has time to prepare you, educate you about your choices familiarize you with the unit and the staff. For whatever reason I arrived with a function of 13. which fell to 12 a few weeks later .In that time I'd seen a lovely consultant who was very clear in giving me an appraisal of what was happening to me...and it was the wake up call I needed. Somehow because I chose to get on with my life I kind of really effectively managed to balance two opposing ideas.....both of which are true. I had a degenerative kidney disease and it doesn't stop me doing anything! Of course I'd arrived at the point that I could not balance these too experiences.
A strange thing started to happen to me because I was both shocked and feared.It was indeed a reality check. So in this process there are lots of investigations, information and indeed choices about which kind of dialysis you will have. I remember about a week or so after the consultation a dialysis nurse came to see me at home with all the information, pictures of fistulas etc to help with the choice. She was lovely and doing what she should do..It was strange for me, I think detached is the closest feeling to describe it, as I've never been detached from any process in my life . Then I panicked because there was nowhere to hide with this one. I had physically got to the point of recognizing this was really going to happen.
So I talked to loads of folk, received loads of information...very practical. Everyone is very clear its your decision, its whats best for you.. I felt I had no control over the deterioration in my body.On hindsight I think I did something that has been alien for me for along time in that I began to search externally for what felt right for me rather than listening and trusting my own instincts. So it jacked up the stakes.I seemed not to feel comfortable with my decisions abit like I could be knocked of balance with someone else's perception or another piece of information.
Then a really significant thing happened prompted by two off the cuff comments from two different people, one a friend the other health care professional whom simply said' you need to think about it abit more!' What a catalyst...I remember finishing the conversation, putting the phone down..going downstairs and seeking Mart out, bursting out into tears and saying...'I don't need to think about this process I need to feel about this process!' What I realized is that all my resources, skills way of understanding and living my life are based mainly on feeling my way through things.
I am practical and based in reality but if I can feel grounded or connected with my feelings, not just my intellect and reasoning ability I make good, rounded decisions for myself. I had panicked.I felt overwhelmed by the reality and urgency of my world. In that realisation I decided that what was best for me was to leave the physical/technical care to my very competent medical team but I needed to pay attention to my feelings and my mental and spiritual care. In other words they can look after my body I will look after my head and soul. It spinned the whole process around for me. I felt my own personal power again, able to ventilate my feelings and worries and more importantly find the right people and context for this.
Renal and indeed most medical departments are based on positive, hopeful energy...that's the context. I am a positive person and I also need to find environments where I can express my fears and trepidations without worrying that I am perceived as becoming negative.I have a range of feelings which are all valid, no matter how irrational,some more uncomfortable that others but needing a voice. I don't view these feelings as negative.Environments can be seductive or infectious I soon picked up the importance of appearing positive which meant that instead of acknowledging and recognizing my feelings of fear I just ignored or pushed right through them. But of course they came to light often about 3am in the morning when I could not cram them out with positive thoughts, I realized I was becoming out of balance in that I had totally lifted one culture of being without integrating my own.
I have since found empathic listeners. I think we are foragers and we forage to find the people and experiences we need. Fortunately for me as I'm immersed in a talking and counselling culture I know where to find them. I suppose I'm saying it feels important for me to find folk who can really listen to me, they are around, not just professional folk. Sometimes folk find it difficult to hear your fears, so their response is to reassure or you feel the worry in them so you take on board the reassuring role. Realistically I'm not expecting people to rescue or change my situation,I just need to express it. Its enough to give these feelings voice. Find good listeners!
Someone said yesterday 'I will ring because I don't want to buy into my fear of thinking you'd be tired or too busy.' I'm so glad she voiced this. Its like those conversations we don't have with each other and you end up filling in the gaps...mostly with negative stuff. In other words I can sometimes interpret 'radio silence' as rejection not that this may be the other persons way of being respectful or caring, to give me space. But how would I know if we don't have the conversation. Complex or what? Some folk I'm sure just don't know what to say and are frightened of saying the wrong thing so give me a wide birth.Sometimes this can feel hurtful, however I find myself trying not to interpret or make sense of other peoples behaviour anymore...just letting the process unfurl. I am noticing that I am making more decerned choices about how I respond.
I'm just noticing the amount I'm writing, it just illustrates how this process brings up layer upon layer of new experiences in my relationships. But I want to say that there have been some lovely surprises too! folk I don't know too well seem to have popped up with support, random stuff like strangers coming up with kind and empathic responses. This experience has reminded me why I love people so much and maintain my hopefulness that we can change the world around with acts of kindness, and just in being interested and curious about other peoples experiences rather than being self absorbed with our own .Empathy rules!
Tracey x
I don't think I get too preoccupied with imagining what a piece will look like when its grouted,all I know is it will look different than the rough working piece.The grouting process brings the artwork to life sometimes in an unpredictable way.I try to let the piece unfold, let the glass in relation to the fossils other parts of the piece interact and emerge. When I have tried to force it, or have some rigid idea that I'm trying to manifest in the work it seems never to come together easily. In fact it just doesn't work, so I've learnt to trust the creative process, even if my brain is challenging it. For instance a mate of mine was looking at some of my mosaic pieces, hes got quite a critical eye,and he commented with 'its surprising how you place colours together that just shouldn't go together and it works!'[ I think it was red and green...you might know the saying 'red and green should never be seen!].'
This reminds me of a really significant turning point for me in this kidney process.I was diagnosed with polycystic disease when I was 25 years old, and besides the odd hospital admission for infected cysts, urinary tact or kidney infections.high Blood pressure its been manageable, in the background. But I cant say its stopped me doing anything and I've learnt to live alongside it. I've always had tons of energy and been busy. My kidney function started to fall really quickly and I was transferred from ' renal clinic' to' pre-dialysis' clinic [getting my head even around the names was a process in itself]. I guess I arrived at this clinic abit late, in that I think the renal people like you there at around a kidney function 15 so that the team has time to prepare you, educate you about your choices familiarize you with the unit and the staff. For whatever reason I arrived with a function of 13. which fell to 12 a few weeks later .In that time I'd seen a lovely consultant who was very clear in giving me an appraisal of what was happening to me...and it was the wake up call I needed. Somehow because I chose to get on with my life I kind of really effectively managed to balance two opposing ideas.....both of which are true. I had a degenerative kidney disease and it doesn't stop me doing anything! Of course I'd arrived at the point that I could not balance these too experiences.
A strange thing started to happen to me because I was both shocked and feared.It was indeed a reality check. So in this process there are lots of investigations, information and indeed choices about which kind of dialysis you will have. I remember about a week or so after the consultation a dialysis nurse came to see me at home with all the information, pictures of fistulas etc to help with the choice. She was lovely and doing what she should do..It was strange for me, I think detached is the closest feeling to describe it, as I've never been detached from any process in my life . Then I panicked because there was nowhere to hide with this one. I had physically got to the point of recognizing this was really going to happen.
So I talked to loads of folk, received loads of information...very practical. Everyone is very clear its your decision, its whats best for you.. I felt I had no control over the deterioration in my body.On hindsight I think I did something that has been alien for me for along time in that I began to search externally for what felt right for me rather than listening and trusting my own instincts. So it jacked up the stakes.I seemed not to feel comfortable with my decisions abit like I could be knocked of balance with someone else's perception or another piece of information.
Then a really significant thing happened prompted by two off the cuff comments from two different people, one a friend the other health care professional whom simply said' you need to think about it abit more!' What a catalyst...I remember finishing the conversation, putting the phone down..going downstairs and seeking Mart out, bursting out into tears and saying...'I don't need to think about this process I need to feel about this process!' What I realized is that all my resources, skills way of understanding and living my life are based mainly on feeling my way through things.
I am practical and based in reality but if I can feel grounded or connected with my feelings, not just my intellect and reasoning ability I make good, rounded decisions for myself. I had panicked.I felt overwhelmed by the reality and urgency of my world. In that realisation I decided that what was best for me was to leave the physical/technical care to my very competent medical team but I needed to pay attention to my feelings and my mental and spiritual care. In other words they can look after my body I will look after my head and soul. It spinned the whole process around for me. I felt my own personal power again, able to ventilate my feelings and worries and more importantly find the right people and context for this.
Renal and indeed most medical departments are based on positive, hopeful energy...that's the context. I am a positive person and I also need to find environments where I can express my fears and trepidations without worrying that I am perceived as becoming negative.I have a range of feelings which are all valid, no matter how irrational,some more uncomfortable that others but needing a voice. I don't view these feelings as negative.Environments can be seductive or infectious I soon picked up the importance of appearing positive which meant that instead of acknowledging and recognizing my feelings of fear I just ignored or pushed right through them. But of course they came to light often about 3am in the morning when I could not cram them out with positive thoughts, I realized I was becoming out of balance in that I had totally lifted one culture of being without integrating my own.
I have since found empathic listeners. I think we are foragers and we forage to find the people and experiences we need. Fortunately for me as I'm immersed in a talking and counselling culture I know where to find them. I suppose I'm saying it feels important for me to find folk who can really listen to me, they are around, not just professional folk. Sometimes folk find it difficult to hear your fears, so their response is to reassure or you feel the worry in them so you take on board the reassuring role. Realistically I'm not expecting people to rescue or change my situation,I just need to express it. Its enough to give these feelings voice. Find good listeners!
Someone said yesterday 'I will ring because I don't want to buy into my fear of thinking you'd be tired or too busy.' I'm so glad she voiced this. Its like those conversations we don't have with each other and you end up filling in the gaps...mostly with negative stuff. In other words I can sometimes interpret 'radio silence' as rejection not that this may be the other persons way of being respectful or caring, to give me space. But how would I know if we don't have the conversation. Complex or what? Some folk I'm sure just don't know what to say and are frightened of saying the wrong thing so give me a wide birth.Sometimes this can feel hurtful, however I find myself trying not to interpret or make sense of other peoples behaviour anymore...just letting the process unfurl. I am noticing that I am making more decerned choices about how I respond.
I'm just noticing the amount I'm writing, it just illustrates how this process brings up layer upon layer of new experiences in my relationships. But I want to say that there have been some lovely surprises too! folk I don't know too well seem to have popped up with support, random stuff like strangers coming up with kind and empathic responses. This experience has reminded me why I love people so much and maintain my hopefulness that we can change the world around with acts of kindness, and just in being interested and curious about other peoples experiences rather than being self absorbed with our own .Empathy rules!
Tracey x
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