4 days to Transplant..18th January 2012

Our conservatory in the summer

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I sometimes feel poppies are natures way of showing off!

Picked this pics from summer to remind me its only round the corner. As one of the last jobs we had to do before Tuesdays admission was to plant some straggling bulbs we were both surprised how new spouting plants are appearing.They are obviously confused with the milder weather so hoping they make it through the oncoming frosts.
Developed a stinking head cold on Thursday so cancelled all work, took loads of cold remedies ,battened down the hatches and keeping fingers crossed.If ill and have a temperature on Wednesday they'll cancel the op. Anyway I am feeling significantly better ...sleep seems to be a major cure all for me.......so I'll be hitting that pain relief pump next week. Maybe I can sleep the first few days away  !Poor Marts keeping his distance from me......as he has to be fit too...double pressure!
       So the independent assessor....she was lovely and did go through the wedding pictures ! After she was satisfied with the documentation that was proof that we were who we were claiming to be she interviewed us independently.It had echoes of that game show years ago were they had couples on and they checked out how well they knew each other. So good job our memories of significant events in our lives are the same..including were we met. She was pretty sharp .Loved Marts response to 'so when Traceys better, got more energy and your kidney how would you feel if she wanted a divorce?' 'He said it hadn't really crossed his mind but he would feel 'PRETTY MIFFED!' She asked the same question for me in my interview...my first response was it was a bit of a stupid question....but cottoned on of course she's asking the power dynamics... ..of would I feel obliged to stay in the relationship out of guilt. I said I hadn't thought about it to be truthful.  Mart would agree hes not a controlling sort of man and he'd say hes never felt hes needed to control me .I guess I'm also not a woman who likes to feel controlled. I don't know it just made me smile.....anyway my final response was I'd not really though about it however  I have thought about Mart wanting to wrap me in cotton wool, which we've talked about I can't imagine that if I've achieved all I have on such a limited kidney function that when I've increased function and feeling energetic I'm going to do less. Think I have however learnt in this process to be discerning with my energy.It reminded me how much changing we have both done in our relationship which spans thirty five years.
      She even noticed he called Jen 'Jennifer' all the way through his interview were as I called her Jen, or Jen Jen.....I told her I reckoned it was because he was anxious and on his best 'proper 'behaviour.It's funny the difference in what we wanted to know, me I'm not so bothered about the technical stuff. It made me smile that in true engineer style Mart had absorbed and relayed all the information about the ins and outs of the operation, she said he could probably talk someone through it competently. Me...I don't really know which of his kidneys I'm having, never mind the detail of the plumbing, but I do know I'm talking to my body about being inviting and welcoming to his kidney...it'll be a bit of a culture shock for it. It just goes to illustrate how we have different needs and mechanisms of adjusting to difficult things.
    The most emotional part of the assessment was when she had us both in the same room together and asked him to say why he wanted to donate his kidney to me and me how was for me to receive it. My response was I was upset because I was both joyful and distressed at the same time. It is such a huge responsibility to receive it and again it reminds me how I am like many others more comfortable with giving than receiving. His response is he just wants me to be better and get back to having a good quality of life. I notice I'm tearful when I'm writing this and that's because it brings home to me just how difficult it is to witness someone you love getting ill and tireder on a daily basis. I think for me its sneaked up for me over the last six months so as I've not much energy I don't dwell in it much but I'm sure those closer to me notice the difference more. Not least of all because they'll be picking up those things I've had to let go off along the way of acknowledging my energy fall. I think those of you who know me will know the significance of me having to cancel my caseload for the past few days. Its like my body's come to a hault...its time now to completely focus on the operation and recovery. I notice I'm really feeling upset now....that emotional wave is hitting me ......so think about us, send us love and healing and watch the blog for info.
     Jen and Andy are going to keep the blog posted. If you want to those of you who can we'd appreciate cards and postcards...we personally feel that although technology is amazing there is nothing quite as delicious or personal as receiving letters, cards etc...there is something about the connection with the person through the ink. Call us old fashioned! And thanks to those of you who have already sent them. For those of you who know the kids  [and those of you who don't] hold them in your heart and thoughts because I can not imagine what it will be like for them to experience both their parents having major surgery at the same place in the same time.
We are as ready as we can be!
Trace x
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