Acceptance Hare

Inspirational glass

coming together nicely

good feel

Agate and pearl moon

flowing glass

playing with the materials

Started this piece last week. This Hares posture seemed to suggest acceptance to me.This week has raised lots of feelings about acceptance. I feel differently in terms of my energy this week...its definitely lower. If I had been in full time employment in an organization this would have been the time I would have been giving up work. As it is as I am self employed I can negotiate my work better and organize my caseload so that it matches the energy I need .So this week I have had several stretches, one being attending my friends graduation and attending part of the last meeting of a  socidrama course I was on and loved dearly.They both brought up opposite emotions in me...one of joy in being part of the celebration and being around folk I love and respect and also feelings of sadness as I realize how physically limited I am experiencing my body at the moment.I remember I was an energetic woman but this part of me feels on hold , like I've put a part of myself in a box. I know it will return I just get impatient.

Over the past few years I've attended a Blacksmithing course at Bretton,Sculpture Park ran by two fab Blacksmiths Owen and Brian. I've had a great time working with metal and of course getting my hands on the power tools and using the forge. Mart bought me a course for this weekend last Christmas but as I've not the energy to wield a hammer  he went in my place. I'm envious but he had a fab time and he still maintains he is not creative but has made a fantastic giraffe ,who we have named Patience!

I also notice I'm kind off 'nest building', so I'm most happy in my home, I guess as I don't feel in control of my body I can feel in control of my environment. I seem to have , unbelievably, taken to housework, This is amazing as previously I'm a woman whose not at all interested in having a tidy or ordered home.I'm sure my new kidney won't be mithered about the state of my house but it feels like I'm putting my house in order in preparation, or maybe I'm just distracting myself. Anyway that's what I'm noticing.

This week I didn't feel particularly creative but I kind of talked myself into engaging with the creative process as I know it would help my mood. So the 'Acceptance Hare' is starting to take shape. She feels like a snow Hare, apparently some hares change colour in the winter. The colours in this mosaic seem cool and calm. I can identify with a calmness in me and an acceptance. I am learning to accept help from folk. I have experienced myself as a doer, and a person who helps so to allow myself to relinquish some of this role and be a receiver in itself is a challenge, But I'm getting there!

I feel the kids are getting more emotional as we get nearer to a potential  surgery date.What a strange position to be in both your  parents in hospital at the same time having major surgery. Their dad will feel significantly poorly for a time until his remaining kidney starts to compensate and if all goes well their mum will be significantly better very quickly.They've been out for a pint and a chat this weekend no doubt discussing strategies and fears. Theres going to be some serious role reversal in the Walshaw household for a time after surgery...with the young Walshaws caring physically for their parents.I'm sure Mart and I will be more compliant than they ever were! 

I carn't even begin to imagine how I will feel seeing Mart poorly because he has chosen to give one of his kidneys to me. I can imagine it will be a very emotional and I will be feeling both guilt and relief. Guilty because he will be poorly and relieved because he will have given me a chance for a better healthy life.In the gremlin hours of the early morning I can worry myself sick with the what ifs, but I am chosing to dwell in the possibility of a positive outcome. I used to feel like I was on a piece of elastic...I'd stretch out with positiveness then somehow a fear would sneak in and it would feel like I'd ping back on myself. I notice now that I am somehow dwelling more in the potentiality of all being well. I'm not necessarily planning what I will do when I'm better but more like acknowledgeing that I will be better.What will unfurl...now that is an exciting thought. 

Signing off thoughtful,emotional and weary.

Tracey x